FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
