i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
