I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
