Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
