I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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