I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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