In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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