And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My vagina just recognized that song.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
