I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The feeling are messing with the penis
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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