Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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