Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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