Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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