It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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