How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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