my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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