She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
