I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize