She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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