she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
