I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Randomize
