i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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