stop calling my apartment porn island.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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