i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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