not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
