seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize