It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
