You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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