my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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