You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
