I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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