doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Randomize
