i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
