3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
