I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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