My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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