you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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