I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
