I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
