Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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