I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
