i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just google imaged poop.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
