the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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