I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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