she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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