Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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