First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
