She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
