So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Let's get the cat blown out
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
