There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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