i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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