My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
