Joe is yelling at the trees again.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
