I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
