He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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