My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
