i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
