The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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